Lord, I believe -- help my unbelief

There are problems that exist with a person who has experienced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; sometimes fear will hit a person with no rhyme nor reason.  You will start to panic over things with which you feel you have no control.  When a believer in Christ has panic attacks, it seems as though it brings a whole new level guilt and shame to a person, which brings on MORE fear -- if one allows the guilt and shame to be placed upon the Christian suffering with PTSD.  When a person describes to another believer that they've had another panic attack, and ask for prayer, that second person will either lift up the person dealing with panic attacks with soothing words of comfort either from the Bible or from their own lives and how God supplied all of their needs, or they'll respond with, "You REALLY need to get a better hold of Jesus, there!  Where is your faith?!"  And that's the exact thing that completely hurts and frustrates the believer beset by panic attacks; I cannot begin to tell you the many times I've been upset and angry with myself over my seeming lack of faith. And this week, it happened again.


Let me elucidate: we just got back from our vacation.  Before the vacation, I started experiencing unmitigated fears.  I was afraid that the roller coasters upon which we'd be riding would malfunction.  I was afraid that our youngest son would wander away from us and that we'd lose him -- possibly to a sex-offender who likes little boys.  I was afraid that our RV would be involved in a wreck.  I was afraid that I'd get a phone call from my cardiologist, asking me to come in earlier than my scheduled appointment; a call to come in earlier means that there ARE major problems that need to be addressed.  Fear was really getting in the way of any anticipation of the journey our family in which our family was going to be partaking.

I brought along some yarn, a notebook, the Bible and some books to look at whilst riding along.  Lately, God has really been telling me how much He loves me and wants to help me deal with my fears and trust issues, even to the point of letting me know that He considered me like a lamb who is being attacked by the enemy that He needed to rescue and carry in His arms to a safe place. 

The enemy likes to hold a person in bondage, however, and will even use Scripture, if he can.  One piece of scripture he was using was, "Perfect love casts out all fear."  How can that verse be used to keep a person in bondage?  Well, I was allowing myself to believe that I must not REALLY have Christ in ALL of His fullness living in me, because I was allowing myself to fear.  I needed to cast that fear out, right?

Well, during our trip, we did not get into an accident, although one of our rear tires DID blow.  God supplied our needs according to His riches in glory.  However, on Thursday, we got a call from the cardiologist; they wanted to meet me five days earlier than my scheduled appointment.  Even though it made sense what my husband said (if the problem were bad, they would have asked for me to come in right away, and that probably a doctor was going to be busy and they needed to switch up appointments), the tightening in my chest happened.  The ability to breath in an even manner left me.  My thoughts were racing with worriment over a variety of issues. 

In the midst of this, God was trying to speak into my heart.  Bible verses were coming into my heart.  "God hasn't given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind."  I was remembering that nothing shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.  In my spirit, I really felt God reassuring me, letting me know that Tim was right and that I needed to believe in Him.  I remember praying, "My Father,,, I love you and I believe -- help my unbelief!"    However, I couldn't sleep.  I did what I do when I can't sleep; I get out my Bible, go to another room and pray that God help me deal with what I'm going through.  You see, we're not battling with people, but rather with principalities and powers that are beyond our comprehension; so, with that in mind, I need to get out the two-edged sword and I need to oil up my squeaky armor. 

Not only did I get out my Bible, I also got out one of those books I brought along for the journey: "Victory Over the Darkness."  I'm learning a little bit at a time that I am not what I DO,,, I am who I am in Christ.  I am more than I have allowed myself to believe.  It's not an overnight thing, but I'm learning that I need to truly accept that God DOES love me, and He does NOT expect me to be perfect until I meet Him face to face, where I'll be perfected in Him.

The next morning, I called up the cardiologists and asked them if there was a special problem; they said that they only needed to change my appointment because they have scheduled surgeries for the same day that I was supposed to have my appointment; they apologized and said that they should have explained that on the phone.  Praise God! 


Later on, I was once more angry at myself for my fears, and asked God if I had enough love in my heart.  Once again, He came through.  I could hear His gentle voice to my spirit: "My dear, WHO is Love?"  I answered, "You, Lord."  "How was Perfect Love personified," He asked me.  "Jesus Christ is, Father," I answered.  "Then who are YOU to think that you can do what only My Son can do?  Rest in My Son, and let Him carry you through this, My dear child."  I started crying, but they were tears of joy.  In the same way that I cannot SAVE myself, I cannot CHANGE myself, except through the power of Jesus Christ!  The Lord is utterly amazing! 

So, I went on water rides, some roller coasters and had a good time the rest of our vacation.  God sustained us; we didn't get into any wrecks, we didn't lose our youngest, we didn't experience any ride malfunctions, and God is working things out according to His perfect plan.  I know that the enemy will try to fight the gains that I shall make, but I will press on in Him.  So Lord, I believe -- and please help my unbelief.