Lord, I believe -- help my unbelief

There are problems that exist with a person who has experienced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; sometimes fear will hit a person with no rhyme nor reason.  You will start to panic over things with which you feel you have no control.  When a believer in Christ has panic attacks, it seems as though it brings a whole new level guilt and shame to a person, which brings on MORE fear -- if one allows the guilt and shame to be placed upon the Christian suffering with PTSD.  When a person describes to another believer that they've had another panic attack, and ask for prayer, that second person will either lift up the person dealing with panic attacks with soothing words of comfort either from the Bible or from their own lives and how God supplied all of their needs, or they'll respond with, "You REALLY need to get a better hold of Jesus, there!  Where is your faith?!"  And that's the exact thing that completely hurts and frustrates the believer beset by panic attacks; I cannot begin to tell you the many times I've been upset and angry with myself over my seeming lack of faith. And this week, it happened again.


Let me elucidate: we just got back from our vacation.  Before the vacation, I started experiencing unmitigated fears.  I was afraid that the roller coasters upon which we'd be riding would malfunction.  I was afraid that our youngest son would wander away from us and that we'd lose him -- possibly to a sex-offender who likes little boys.  I was afraid that our RV would be involved in a wreck.  I was afraid that I'd get a phone call from my cardiologist, asking me to come in earlier than my scheduled appointment; a call to come in earlier means that there ARE major problems that need to be addressed.  Fear was really getting in the way of any anticipation of the journey our family in which our family was going to be partaking.

I brought along some yarn, a notebook, the Bible and some books to look at whilst riding along.  Lately, God has really been telling me how much He loves me and wants to help me deal with my fears and trust issues, even to the point of letting me know that He considered me like a lamb who is being attacked by the enemy that He needed to rescue and carry in His arms to a safe place. 

The enemy likes to hold a person in bondage, however, and will even use Scripture, if he can.  One piece of scripture he was using was, "Perfect love casts out all fear."  How can that verse be used to keep a person in bondage?  Well, I was allowing myself to believe that I must not REALLY have Christ in ALL of His fullness living in me, because I was allowing myself to fear.  I needed to cast that fear out, right?

Well, during our trip, we did not get into an accident, although one of our rear tires DID blow.  God supplied our needs according to His riches in glory.  However, on Thursday, we got a call from the cardiologist; they wanted to meet me five days earlier than my scheduled appointment.  Even though it made sense what my husband said (if the problem were bad, they would have asked for me to come in right away, and that probably a doctor was going to be busy and they needed to switch up appointments), the tightening in my chest happened.  The ability to breath in an even manner left me.  My thoughts were racing with worriment over a variety of issues. 

In the midst of this, God was trying to speak into my heart.  Bible verses were coming into my heart.  "God hasn't given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind."  I was remembering that nothing shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.  In my spirit, I really felt God reassuring me, letting me know that Tim was right and that I needed to believe in Him.  I remember praying, "My Father,,, I love you and I believe -- help my unbelief!"    However, I couldn't sleep.  I did what I do when I can't sleep; I get out my Bible, go to another room and pray that God help me deal with what I'm going through.  You see, we're not battling with people, but rather with principalities and powers that are beyond our comprehension; so, with that in mind, I need to get out the two-edged sword and I need to oil up my squeaky armor. 

Not only did I get out my Bible, I also got out one of those books I brought along for the journey: "Victory Over the Darkness."  I'm learning a little bit at a time that I am not what I DO,,, I am who I am in Christ.  I am more than I have allowed myself to believe.  It's not an overnight thing, but I'm learning that I need to truly accept that God DOES love me, and He does NOT expect me to be perfect until I meet Him face to face, where I'll be perfected in Him.

The next morning, I called up the cardiologists and asked them if there was a special problem; they said that they only needed to change my appointment because they have scheduled surgeries for the same day that I was supposed to have my appointment; they apologized and said that they should have explained that on the phone.  Praise God! 


Later on, I was once more angry at myself for my fears, and asked God if I had enough love in my heart.  Once again, He came through.  I could hear His gentle voice to my spirit: "My dear, WHO is Love?"  I answered, "You, Lord."  "How was Perfect Love personified," He asked me.  "Jesus Christ is, Father," I answered.  "Then who are YOU to think that you can do what only My Son can do?  Rest in My Son, and let Him carry you through this, My dear child."  I started crying, but they were tears of joy.  In the same way that I cannot SAVE myself, I cannot CHANGE myself, except through the power of Jesus Christ!  The Lord is utterly amazing! 

So, I went on water rides, some roller coasters and had a good time the rest of our vacation.  God sustained us; we didn't get into any wrecks, we didn't lose our youngest, we didn't experience any ride malfunctions, and God is working things out according to His perfect plan.  I know that the enemy will try to fight the gains that I shall make, but I will press on in Him.  So Lord, I believe -- and please help my unbelief.

Amazing Love

Have you ever trusted someone... shared your life with that person... shared your dreams, hopes aspirations with that someone... just to have them hurt you to the core of your heart? I have experienced hurt that has been so deep, the pain cuts to the core of one's being is utterly excruciating. I have trusted people who I have loved so very deeply, only to have them rip my heart into a hundred-million pieces by their betrayal. I have walked the floors late at night, crying out to God: "Please, Father, please take this pain away from me; I'm almost certain that this time it will utterly kill me."

Why is this person not talking to me? Why is another person so cruel? Why am I so misunderstood? Why does it seem like people are getting WORSE, instead of BETTER? Why do I feel so alone?

Sound familiar? Does that sound like you when you're going through a hard time? Just when you feel alone, please realize that you are NOT alone.

There was once a certain person. He wasn't anything special to look at, but BOY, could that man tell the BEST stories! They always seemed to point to something special, but many people didn't seem to understand what that "special" thing happened to be.

This man had many friends, too; some were quite wealthy, others dirt poor. Some had positions of high authority; others were prostitutes and drunkards. Even among those in his inner circle, the friends ranged from a person who was crazy about politics, to simple fishermen. He knew learned men, men who were completely uneducated, and yet, he was easily a friend to them all. If he were on Facebook, the friends list this guy would have would be mind boggling -- as well as confusing.

He was known for helping people in any way he could. He helped feed people who were hungry, he helped mend broken hearts, and it was amazing how he could be so charismatic that at times people talked about wanting him to be their leader, yet say things so controversial, that suddenly, others wanted him dead. Even in those moments, he seemed indestructible.

Then, the biggest week of his life came to pass. There he was, being applauded by all. He was hailed as something special. People poured out blessings and cheers upon him. It was better than when a championship football team has a ticker-tape parade through town. How the mood changed within a few short days!

Now, please picture this very same man, pacing back and forth. He asked for his best friends to pray for him. Please. You see, he knew that someone with whom he shared his life, his dreams, his joys as well as his sorrows, did something horrible; this "friend" turned his back on this wonderful man. This man knew that his former friend whom he trusted, decided to betray him in ways that he did not want to dream possible.

But there he was, pacing alone in a garden. After begging God, "Father, PLEASE.. take this pain and sorrow away from me" -- silence. Curious, he checked on those previously mentioned praying friends. Only, they weren't praying. "What's happening?"

"Oh, we're sorry... we'll pray, now."

This man couldn't be so lucky.

In that garden was the biggest battle of the ages. YES -- the birth of Jesus was most certainly important. YES -- the ministry of Jesus was most certainly important. YES, the death of Jesus and His resurrection was most certainly important beyond measure. But that battle, that inner struggle between the God-Man was the struggle to end all struggles. He KNEW that angels could be called down to rescue Him; but He didn't call for those angels. He asked for His Father take away the cup that was to befall Him. He knew He was going to face being spat upon, beat upon, jeered, betrayed and forsaken -- even by them who were at one time closest to Him. Jesus was in that garden, crying out to God for YOU and ME.

Amazing, isn't it? I don't know about you, but I have been guilty of turning my OWN back on Jesus at one time in my life. I have betrayed Him and His trust in me, numerous times. I wonder how many times He has felt all alone?

This week, in the midst of preparing for that joyous time known as Resurrection Sunday, I ask you to reflect upon the One who truly is, "closer to us than a brother," and thank God that He truly DOES know what we feel like in the very worst of our struggles. He's been there, He knows, and yet, He STILL loves YOU, in spite of it all!

Amazing LOVE! May you experience that very same type of love, my friend.

Behind the Mask -- Why I'm Walking

This year, I'm going to walk again for the Pregnancy Care Center. This organization helps women to see that, when they find themselves in a situation where they are "with child" and are exploring their "options," that they make a truly informed choice -- hopefully, the choice for life. And, if someone does unfortunately abort their child, they are there yet again to help with post-abortion counseling, so that the mother of the aborted child can hopefully embrace forgiveness in Christ. Walking for this Center the day before Mother's Day is important to me, and I take walking for it personally.

Whenever "Sanctity of Life" Sunday hit whichever church where ever we happened to attend, I will say that I truly despised it. I hated seeing photos of aborted fetuses. I felt uneasy every time the Bible verses would pop up on the screen saying that those who shed innocent blood would suffer, as well. As the years went by, I would look at my wonderful second husband and say, "I really need to go check on the children." He'd pat my leg and say, "Go on."

I'd make it to the bathroom and sob. Tears pouring down my cheeks. On the outside, I was very outspokenly anti-abortion. I actually got gently scolded by someone at one church because she told me that there were people who had abortions, who truly felt sorry for them, and that I needed to find a more gentle approach to my feelings. Inside, I felt like a phony. I'd look at people who had children out of wedlock and envy them, heralding their choice for life. After all, I hid the secret behind a mask, known only to Tim, and the family of my never to be born child -- I had had an abortion. I was that killer, that murderer, that one who deserved death for the death of my child. For years I hid behind the mask. I'd smile on the outside, but would carry that gigantic blood-covered "A" for abortion on the veil of my heart.

Years ago, I finally met my British pen-pal. He was gorgeous to me, inside and out. Here, standing before me was the one I'd pour my heart out to about home, school and all that was right and wrong in the world, and the one who still liked me, while knowing all there was to know about me. I never shared anything with anyone like I had him, and I never did so again, until I met my Tim. Dave declared that he loved me. I was running from God at the time, angry that my beloved Gram was ill and in the nursing home. I had already crossed the threshold of sex before marriage, my rebellion spurred along by the lie of all lies: "Oh, it's the EIGHTIES (NINETIES, a NEW millennium), God HAS to understand that TIMES have CHANGED!" Needless to say, if I would have been reading my Bible, I would have read and understood that God does NOT change. Sin is still sin, no matter which decade you live in.

Anyway, Dave declared to me that he wanted to marry me. I made plans to go to Merseyside, England, as it would have been difficult for him to get a job here in the United States in his profession. I made the journey; I was scared, excited, hopeful, planning to live my days, growing old with my dearest and best friend in the world. The first weeks were stupendously exciting as we painted our flat, which sat above a newspaper shoppe. We lived, laughed, loved; I was truly happy. Down the street from us on the way to the corner market, was a bridal shoppe. In the window was a beautiful light pink wedding dress; it was so light pink it was almost white. And I imagined wearing that dress. I was still enough of a traditionalist to know that there was no way I could wear white, but I was looking forward to wearing that dress. I was making plans to work at a videographer's/voice-over establishment, and they were excited to get an American to provide voices for a unique sound. Life was good.

Around Thanksgiving time (I still served a Thanksgiving meal on a Saturday, even though they do not celebrate Thanksgiving over there), I wasn't feeling well. I had to go to the bathroom constantly. We went to a wonderful town where there were Christmas lights galore; his sister, who was at the end of her pregnancy, noticed how much I was going to the bathroom and exclaimed, "Lovey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were preggers, too!" Dave and I talked about it, as I couldn't even be near lard-fried chips -- the smell would send me to the bathroom; and then we took the test. Positive. .

Dave gave me the biggest hug I'd ever received and yelled, "We're having a BABY! You're making me a DADDY!" We went to his doctor's, and he excitedly said how happy he was for the both of us. He gave me a pamphlet showing me how the baby develops in the womb, told me he'd see us the next month. We went to the fish and chippy and while waiting for our food, Dave would press his face against my belly, and yell, "Daddy loves you, Baby!" and then excitedly tell all in the fish and chippy, "I'm going to be a Daddy!" We'd get hearty congratulations from smiling strangers. His sister hugged us when we told her the wonderful news, exclaiming how the cousins (her child and ours) would be best of friends, as they were going to be so close in age. Then, we told his Mum and Dad.

At first, they seemed to accept our happy news. Dave's excitement was contagious. Then Pam (his Mum), asked to talk to him alone. He was gone from the flat for hours. When I rushed up to greet him, there was a tenseness that I had never seen from him before. He told me in no nonsense terms that we needed to "forgo" the plans of having this baby. That we didn't have enough money. What would our friends think? Mum would disown him. That we could have other children together. That children age you quickly.

The reasoning's were ridiculous to me. They angered me. They frightened me. I screamed at him. I cried at him. I called him names I cannot repeat here. I swore to him that if he wasn't willing to fight for his child, that I still would. I ran out of the flat, past the bridal shop, over the bridge, and hid in a bog-type area near his sister's home, which wasn't far from where we lived. It was cold, very cold that night. They looked for me. By this time, he must have called his sister, because she was out looking for me, along with her husband. I waited until Dave had to go to work, and then I went home to the flat.

Our relationship started to change considerably. I was being unreasonable. I then called my mother, tiptoeing around the subject. I had no money, as I used it all to go over to England, and then spent money that I did have over there on household items. I asked, "If I needed to uh, come home for any reason, do you know if I could borrow the money from you?"

"Oh, so you've got yourself in a pickle that you can't get out of? Are you splitting up already? I knew you would....." It went on. I knew that the people who always got my sister out of scrapes were not about to help me. I just wanted to get home so that I could have the baby, and then hopefully Dave change his mind, would want to see the baby and then all would be well once more. I knew he was frightened, and I wanted to fight for us as much as I wanted to fight for that baby. I had no friends over there except his friends. There was no family over there except his family. And there was no way home that I could see. Other friends in the US were told that I was pregnant, but they didn't know this new problem. How could I say anything was wrong? I gave up every thing I had to go be with this guy. It seemed crazy, didn't it? I must have read too many stupid romance novels.

Dave set up an appointment with his doctor; this time it was to get an okay for an abortion. At that time in England, to get an abortion, you had to get the permission the doctor. He had to state that the female was in her right mind at the time, or something like that, because he had to sign a paper okaying it. He was SUPPOSED to see me. I refused to go into the doctor's office. Dave went in, and in ten minutes came back out, with a signed paper. He called and set up the appointment at the clinic. His mother gave him the money to pay for it. I begged and pleaded. I asked for us to PLEASE give this child a shot at life. I begged them to please consider adoption for this baby. I was refuted on every option. The night before the procedure, I had plans to go into hiding of some sort. He didn't have on his uniform and said he wanted to drive me somewhere; he wanted us to go somewhere overnight. I packed my items, thinking that he was changing his mind. We ended up at his parents house. He was a bobby -- a policeman. There was no use calling the police about this. His father suffered from insomnia; he'd be able to know if I'd try to sneak out of the house. But where would I sneak away to? I had no where to go. No money, no options. I didn't sleep. I only cried, begging God to somehow rescue me from this. Rescuing didn't come. December 19th, 1990 will be a date that will live on in infamy for me.

Dave came. He piled me into the car and we drove not far from Penny Lane and Strawberry Fields. I used to love songs regarding those places, but from that moment on, I would hate those songs for what it reminded me of. Dave stood over me while I signed the papers. I had one more chance. I was in the room with a roomful of other girls getting the same thing done. There was a lot of crying along with my own. One girl who was beside me, however, exclaimed how excited and free she was going to be after this was done. I wanted to choke her.

Right before the nurse the nurse injected me with the fluid to put me to sleep for the procedure, I said, "Please, I don't want to get this done!"

"Then what are you here, for?" she said with disdain in her voice.

I awoke and felt like a piece of me was lost forever. I sobbed, vomited, and hated myself with a hatred beyond any comprehension. The formerly excited girl was sobbing, herself. The mournful cries in that roomful of girls will be unforgettable to me for the rest of my life. I have been told that in the United States, girls are not usually put to sleep while getting the procedure done, that they can hear what goes on. That would be utterly devastating.

From that point on, I was constantly taking baths. I spent hours in the bathtub, the water getting long cold. I tried to wash what I did away, and could not. I felt numb. Dave came to the bathroom one time and said, "You can say it, you hate me. Don't you?" I looked up at him and said, "I feel absolutely nothing. I don't know how or what to feel. I don't hate you, I don't feel anything at all for anything or anyone. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me." That only angered him. We told everyone else the other lie -- we lost the baby. I made him tell people that.

I was asked to go to church with Pam on Christmas Eve. I didn't want to go and pretend I was holy. I was a murderess. I didn't want the abortion at all, but I didn't fight hard enough, either. Dave, the rest of the family, some friends and I went to the pub. I've never been a drinker, but I sucked down two glasses of wine and stared at someone. She asked me if I was alright, and I started crying, saying, "NO! NO! I am NOT alright! I don't have my BABY!" Her sister and the other gal took me straight to the bathroom; I was an embarrassment to Dave that night.

Then we went to a New Year's Eve party the next week. I didn't drink a single thing. He drank until he was sloshed. He then got the "wonderful" idea of switching clothes with a female. He looked odious to me, and I told him that he was embarrassing me. He looked straight at me and said, "I don't even KNOW you, anymore." It was like the death nell tolling on us at that moment.

I took up walking alone at night, walking aimlessly. I couldn't live with myself. I saw a bridge. I looked to the left and the right and saw no one. I lost my baby. I was losing my best friend. I lost my God; after all, how could He love me after what I did to the gift He gave me? I climbed up on the railing and determined that I was going to rid the world of the worst piece of garbage. No one would miss me, anyway, I thought. I was unlovable and unloved. I looked down, trying to muster up the courage to jump. Then I saw it. A piece of garbage floated by. Something in my head screamed, "You are NOT GARBAGE!!!" I stood up on that ledge, crying. I started to get down when someone drove up, and an individual yelled, "OY! You there! Are you alright?" I said weakly, "Yes, I'll be alright."

"Do you need a ride somewhere, Luv? If you need anything, I'll help."

"No... no, thank you."

I turned around to look towards the car, and it was gone. I often wonder if that was an angel coming to my aid.

Four weeks after the abortion, I was on a plane ride home. Dave's Mum had paid for the ticket, he telling me only two days previously that he made a mistake, that he didn't love me, anymore. I'm told that most times, the relationship between a man and a woman hardly ever lives through an abortion.

It took many years of self-hatred, self-punishment with an abusive es-husband (and saying "I except my punishment, O Lord" when referring to my relationship with him), and then the road to healing when my Tim married me and started encouraging help for me. I've had trouble with every single pregnancy since that abortion. With every trouble that occurs to me related to my children now, I think back, "You're reaping what you sowed." It takes years, a ton of reading about the forgiveness of God, and sometimes it takes seeking help from a therapist to get over the feelings of guilt and shame. I needed to talk to someone from the Pregnancy Care Center after getting my tubes tied, as I felt such horrible guilt that "there I was, telling God what I was doing with my reproductive organs again!" I went through the Post Abortion Recovery program, and I'm thankful I did. They encouraged me to name the child, and I really don't think I was ready to name it at that time. I always assumed it was a boy. Recently, I've wondered if it was really a girl. Again my heart broke. I don't know why, maybe because of my relationship with my beautiful daughter, and I know what I took away from my children.

If I were to name the child today, I would have loved to have known Catherine. She would have been 19 in July of this year. I will miss her all of the days of my life. When I think of how many children I have, I think of five. Always. There's an empty place at the dinner table. There's a diamond in the middle of my children's ring -- saved for her. My children all know about the sibling that they will meet in Heaven. I am walking for the Catherines who need to be heard. I'm walking for those like myself who loved and wanted their babies but felt they were trapped and scared. If I can help just ONE person who is considering abortion to turn around and do the right thing -- have that baby, please -- then the death of my dear baby, and the years of suffering will NOT be in vain.

And for those who have aborted their child, PLEASE, know that there is help. There is forgiveness and love from the Savior. He is there to heal your broken heart and He is NOT out to destroy you for what you have done. He is near the brokenhearted and He wants you to live a full life in Him. Jesus died on the cross to save us from ALL of our sins -- including abortion. There is no one sin greater than another in God's eyes. You don't need to live in the shadows, anymore. Please walk in the light of His forgiveness and grace. And know that your sister in Christ is praying for you and loves you. It's time to take off the mask and walk in freedom.

I was a teenage Jesus Freak

Recently, I was informed by a person old enough to be my son that I basically had no clue about speaking seriously into another younger person's life. He didn't understand why I didn't just laugh off this person's statement, which to me, sounded dire. He basically said to me that until I lived on the edge of wanting to end it all, instead of just finding a friend dead of suicide, that I really didn't know anything about what the younger generation goes through.

He's right in some respects. I have no idea what it is like to be bombarded with terms such as "sexting" and "reality TV," at a young age, where the goal to life is not to live a good life, but rather to be "unique" and "famous" -- beyond all costs. People aren't satisfied to have 15 minutes of fame, they want to milk their fame for the craziest things, like acting in degrading fashion on shows such as "Jersey Shore" or having a ton of children in "Jon & Kate plus 8."

But I digress. Anyone who knew me in high school could probably attest to the fact that I was a "nice" girl. A "smart" girl. Possibly a "stuck up" girl. A "goofy girl." Life for me at high school was like a dark tunnel where I never saw a light shining at the end. I got books smacked out of my hands, clothes stolen at gym class, hit on the back of the head by someone walking by, tripped at gym class just when I was about to finish running a mile. I got called some horrible names associated with my maiden name; I won't say what the name was, but it has to do with defecation. I remember the last day at Sophomore year of high school, one boy in particular, "David B." stated in German class: "Hey, everybody, I went by Becky's house and BOY, I saw FUMES coming out of their house, it SMELLED so BAD!" Hot tears stung my eyes, but I was NEVER going to let ANYONE at that school see me cry. Never, I vowed. I'd tell a teacher I had a bad headache and run as quickly to the nurses' office as I could. She always gave me a room in which to sob my heart out. I was not allowed to cry at home, as that was a sign of weakness to my mother, and would set her off.

I went home that day and said to my mother, "Either find a way for me to go to college a year early, or I promise you I will QUIT school. I CANNOT stand another day there." I seriously thought death would have been better than to finish my senior year at that place, although I knew I could never kill myself, as that would be a one-way trip to hell for me. All good Lutheran girls and boys KNEW that. But I NEEDED to see the light at the end of that tunnel; I needed SOMETHING for which I could look forward.

Why would anyone behave in such a manner to another human being? I honestly don't know. To this day, if I see someone being bullied, or if I perceive that someone else is picking needlessly on someone else, I get very upset and want to do something to help.

At the time, I was considered a Christian. And I was the best Christian I could be at that time. I had someone hit me once at school, and say to me, "Go on, little Christian girl, FIGHT ME BACK." I didn't. I was constantly reminded that I had a bigger future ahead if I could keep my head. When I took off after the girls who tripped me on the track (with murderous thoughts in my brain towards those girls, I painfully admit), the gym teacher took off running after me, caught me in the middle of the football field and held me back from going after them. She kept telling me, "You'll BE somebody someday! You'll BE somebody someday!" That was the first time I cried out in public.

I took God very seriously. I used to have some deep discussions with one girl in particular, Roberta, about God and heaven and both of us becoming nuns, even though I was a Lutheran! I loved God. I just didn't know why He kept setting me up for torture at school and at home. I'd see all of these people who made fun of me able to enjoy part-time jobs, go out on dates, and just hang out with friends; I was only allowed to hang out with my brothers and sister. If I went to a friend's house, or wanted to do something extra-curricular, I had to have a sibling with me. I could not just be me. I didn't even know who I was, except a Christian and a Beatle fanatic.

And being a Christian at that time was no fun. I got made fun of every single day. Even some of the teachers mocked me, which was harder for me to take. I didn't get it. People didn't like my family, I guess, so they automatically didn't like me. Everyone else had fun. Those girls who were allowed to wear make-up and making horrible fun of me were having a lot more fun than me, I thought. I stopped going to church, because I even got made fun of by some fellow kids there. Later on I would rebel in a big way, and found out ruefully that the "fun" my torturers seemed to be having wasn't fun at all, and almost led to my destruction (but I will cover that in another blog -- soon).

I remember some of the kids calling me "sister Rebecca" because I wrote in a school paper that I would not have sex just because everyone else was doing it. Someone broke into my file in my English class and somehow what I wrote got passed to practically everyone in the class, it seemed, because everyone knew what I wrote -- and got a good laugh out of it. Maybe it was because they all knew my paternal grandmother's reputation as well as my father's, I don't know, but they all thought it was a hoot. I even had to endure one boy looking at me in homeroom, saying, "You want SEX, don't you Becky, you REALLY WANT IT, don't YOU?" I had another kid say to me, "Oh, you're so HOLY, aren't you? You won't have SEX because you're just SUCH a Christian! Haw, haw, haw! Oh, Sister Rebecca, can I KISS your RING?! Ugh, no! You're too dirty! Who'd EVER want to KISS YOU?!" Another run to the nurse's office for a good cry.

I remember thinking at the time that I was just God's little joke on humanity. What sort of impact would I EVER make? Then I felt so horrible one time when a tough girl came up to me and asked, "Hey, are you a Christian or something?"

I froze. I didn't want to fight anyone over Jesus. I loved God, and I was a Christian, but I was too frightened. I weakly replied, "Uh, I-I-I uh, I don't know...."

"Boy, I'm disappointed. I was sure that you were."

I suddenly felt like Peter when he denied Jesus. I broke out in a cold sweat and hollered behind her, "I DO... I DO believe in Jesus! I really DO!" By then, she flitted me off with her hand and had already walked away.

Even though I went on to fall away from Christ and later come back to Him, I was the best Christian I could be at that time in my life. However, I felt like a real failure for Him.

Later on in my life, I found that a few people who taunted me horrendously are now my brothers and sisters in Christ! Was I upset when I found that out? NO, to my initial surprise, and ultimate joy at my response to finding out that they are now Jesus' property. I am so happy to know that there are others who I always loved and thought dear to me who are serving the Lord. I am saddened by those who have not called yet called upon Jesus as their love. But I will continue to pray for them.

I've had a few people apologize to me for their behavior towards me in the past, and I've had a few who have apologized for their lack of standing up for me. I truly love them and hold no anger toward them, in spite of what has happened. And that's not me in action, there, loving people unconditionally. You see, when I was younger, I was going to be rich and famous at any cost just so I could go back to a reunion some day and show THEM. Only God, through the power of Jesus, can take your pain and sorrow and turn it to victory and joy. Only Jesus could take that time when I denied that I was a Christian, and then turn me into a living megaphone for Him!

I want to encourage you, teen and young adult who is facing persecution for whatever reason: HANG on! Stand strong in the glory and power of His might! Know that ALL things work together for good to those who are in Christ Jesus! There IS a light at the end of that proverbial tunnel, and that light is the LIGHT of Jesus Christ! You ARE making a difference! You may be that seed, that water, that ray of sunshine in someone else's life. Please dont' believe it that those people are having more fun than you are -- they are blinded by the lies of this world. I know it personally; I survived it. Don't grow weary of doing good! You, my dear young friend, can MAKE IT!!! If I did, ANYBODY can! God be with you today and always.

Turn Around... Turn Around

The other day, it happened. I survived the day without one of my children adding a new spot or stain to my shirt. Surprisingly, the moment I dreamed of for so long had a bittersweet ring to it. The change is starting to occur.

Soon, I won't tell my daughter, "hold still, I know it stings, but I have to get the knots out of your hair."

In short order I won't tell my soon to be 11-year old, "How many times do I have to TELL you, I don't want to see your stinky old socks in my NICE FRONT ROOM?!"

Before I know it, I won't be reminding my four year old, "Ah-ah-ah, did you wash your hands after going potty?"

In the blink of an eye, I won't be tripping over toys in the hallway, or sitting on Buzz Lightyear toys that catch me unawares (which honestly said, "I have a laser and I'm NOT afraid to use it," when I did sit on that silly toy).

No more chocolate covered kisses, no more "look, Mommy, look at me!", no more giggles over silly sayings and sing songs in the car or Bible stories before bedtime.

No more making the rounds at night, kissing each and every one of them with heartfelt "I love you's."

No more listening to in-depth, insessant stories and facts about your children's favorite subjects.

No more hearing, "I love you, Mommy; you're the BEST and most beautiful Mommy in the World!"

How many times have we told our children, "Oh, will you grow up?" Well, they DO just that, without any encouragement from us; it all happens naturally.

Turn around, turn around, turn around and they're young adults, going out of the door, and having babes of their own.

I know, you may be asking, "Well, gee, you have a four year old, you still have LOTS of time!"

No, I don't. You see, it seems like only yesterday that my 17-year old was wrapping his tiny arms around me, saying, "I love you FOREVER, Mommy!" It seems like a lifetime ago that I cheered on my now 21-year old step-son at a baseball game when he was ten, or skated hand in hand with his now 18-year old brother, singing "I Want It That Way" (I STILL cannot hear that song without a tear welling up in my eyes at that moment in time). Now... well, it's all memories. Memories that I pray never get erased by age.


Mercy, my house is going to be TOO quiet when my children eventually leave the nest!


So, I need to treasure every moment, hold onto it and cherish every single second with those remaining pearls I know as my children. Make sure to create mental snapshots of those sweet memories along this journey of life. Today, I'm going to go get a free pretzel with the children. I'm going to make a more concerted effort to enjoy what time I do have with my beauties. I can attest that it all goes by so very quickly, and then someday, you must say goodbye to the ones you love. Cherish it, with all your heart. So your child is acting in an irritating factor? Cherish those moments, too, while directing them back on course the best way you can.

Just before I took to this blog, I glanced out of the window. There was my wonderful husband, walking along. Directly behind him, followed my beautifully handsome son, smiling as he tried to match my husband's pace, step by step. A tear came to my eye as I silently prayed, "May you walk in the way of your father, my sweet boy, and may you grow strong in the Lord, now and forever."

My Dad prayed with me today....

The first person I remember holding such an emotion as love towards was my father. I remember being a tiny little thing, standing at the back door, waving good-bye to my father as he took off in the car to go to work. Then, as soon as I saw him take off, I rushed as quickly to the front door as I could. That huge front door always caused me considerable trouble to open, as we always opened it with an old-fashioned skeleton key.



I'd yank at the huge, imposing door, and scream for my mother to open the door, because Daddy had to see me wave good-bye to him from the front door, as well. He must have been made aware of the herculean effort on my part to wave good-bye to him from both doors, because even though we lived on the corner of a road and an alley, and all he had to do was just drive a few hundred feet to turn left onto Main Street, I always seemed to beat him to door. I figured the faster I'd wave my hand, the more my Dad would know I loved him; sometimes I waved my hand so fast and hard, I was sure it was going to fly off!



It was the same thing with apples. My father would not be allowed to eat a single apple until I had taken it, breathed on it, and shined up that apple so bright that you honestly could see your face looking back at it. The shinier that apple, the more my daddy would know that I loved him. I seriously thought that if anyone in this world needed to know that someone loved him unconditionally, then, I was going to show that I loved him unconditionally, forever and ever.



There was always a vulnerability and sadness to my father. You see, I don't think he was ever truly accepted as a younger man. He happened to live in a small town, one of the sons of the town -- for lack of better word -- tramp. My paternal grandmother could put the lady at the well to shame in her actions towards the opposite sex. In a small town, people don't always look at a person for themselves; they judge you for your father and mother, your grandparents, etc. That does something to a person. He did not trust women, and refused to allow my mother to work outside of the home. It didn't stop him from having a roaming eye of his own; and even though my father didn't lose his temper that much, when he did, it was more than terrifying. I remember hiding behind the couch on more than one occasion. But again, I knew he was dealing with demons of his own that raged inside of him.



On the positive, my Dad taught me how to have fun. He was the one who would get out in the yard and play football with us -- or he'd make up his own games for us to play. He created stilts for each of us children -- the higher he'd get them, the better we'd like it. He was the king of snow fort making. I loved being on his team whenever we'd play anything. He looked just like -- and was as strong as -- Superman, to me. He'd go to the grocery store and "accidentally" lose the list. We'd beg Dad for Fudgcicles, and he'd buy a huge box of them. Then he'd pronounce, "Well, you know what we need to go along with Fudgcicles, don't you? Potato chips!" That would start a chain reaction of what all we "needed" to round out Dad's list of groceries. We'd arrive back home, junk food galore filling up the bags; poor Mom would get red in the face and yell, "Didn't you get ANYTHING of SUBSTANCE?!"



There are a few things Dad wouldn't do: he wouldn't got to church with us unless it was a super-special occasion, he didn't read the Bible with us, and he didn't pray. He also never said that he loved us until I was 16 years old; funny, that didn't matter as much to me, because I just KNEW that my Daddy loved me. I did ache to hear the Bible being read by our parents, and I longed to pray with my Dad. My mom prayed with us when there was big trouble afoot, but to pray just to speak with God was not something we did.



Today changed all of that. Today while my dad was in a hospital bed, I asked to pray with him. He did not want to, and hemmed and hawed about it. He's a private man, deep down, and becomes shy at the strangest moments. I guess it's like how I was a disc jockey and singer, yet still become very embarrassed if attention is drawn to me at a restaurant (i.e. birthdays are never happy for me when those people in the restaurant come up to me and sing those silly songs).

At any rate, I felt a need to pray with him before, but he gently rebuffed me. Last night, I felt strongly that I needed to pray with my father. I could feel his fear -- an emotion I never associated with my father -- when I prayed for him in the comfort of my home. Yes, I found out, he has been very anxious lately. So, today when I asked him, he stated that he couldn't pray out loud because he was very exhausted from his rehab session.

"That's okay, Poppa (ever since I've watched "Fiddler on the Roof" I've called my father "Poppa" quite often, as as I cannot sit through a showing of that movie without thinking of my aged father when I see the loving, bearded, handsome, hard-working, long-suffering Tevya). At this moment, I'm stronger. And like the geese, I'm going to call out and ask God to help until you're strong enough, okay?"

He acquiesced. I prayed and asked God to hold my father in the night. I asked my heavenly Father to remind my earthly father that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind, and that we do not need to be anxious for anything. I asked for God to give my dad a peace that surpasses all understanding that will guard his heart and mind. And I thanked my heavenly Daddy for giving me the desire of my heart to pray with my Dad. Dad was choked up by the time we said, "Amen." I was teary-eyed, as well. I know that he knows I love him beyond measure. And no matter what tomorrow may bring, I will hold in my heart forever the wonderful memory that my Dad prayed with me today.

What's that noise?

If you read my blog or if you know me personally, then you know my father has been facing big health struggles. He has been touch and go on many occasion. Well, after the latest bout of trouble, where he was encountering bowel obstruction issues, I went to my friends -- and again -- asked for prayer. The past several months seem to be me squawking for prayer. At least, that's what it seemed like to me, when I allowed myself to hear that little voice in my head that said, "Do you know what your friends do every time you ask for prayer for the latest thing going on in your life? They inwardly GROAN; that's what they do. Give it a break, already, you needy thing!"

Well, instead of recognizing it for what it is, I apologized to everyone for asking for prayer yet AGAIN. I truly felt badly about it. I really thought I was bothering people. Then, another friend asked for prayer for HER father, and I got on it right away. I find that when someone asks me to pray, I consider it an honor to be able to intercede before our heavenly Father. That still didn't convince me that I wasn't a bother to someone else, though.

Today is when it hit me. You see, I love geese. I'm fascinated with their migratory patterns, the way they communicate with each other, their formation as they fly. And there they were flying over head -- a massive amount of geese. Let's say I heard them before I saw them. Boy, are they loud! But boy, do they know how to communicate! While flying in their patterns, they are always communicating. They are constantly watching out for the weaker geese. They fly in the pattern they do so that the strongest are flying at the front, breaking the force of the wind for their comrades. The weakest and the oldest fly in the rear, where the wind resistance is least. As the geese in the front get tired, they communicate their needs and switch off with other geese who are more rested up. It is completely fascinating, and God spoke to me in the midst of remembering the geese.

In our journey through life, we cannot forsake the assembly of other believers. We need each other; we are not islands unto ourselves. God created us for relationship -- with Him and with others. The way that the enemy works on us is to isolate us, make us feel we are alone. We are NOT alone, especially if we make our requests known. We NEED to communicate our wants and desires through prayer, and we NEED to ask others to pray as well.

In my spiritual life, there are times when I have been extremely strong. I have witnessed and been part of awesome healings, deliverances and the like. But recently, I've become an injured goose. I need to rest back and let others lead and do some of the heavy spiritual work. There are times I'm strong enough to go back into the fray and lead. There's so much we can learn from the geese.

Christians need to be more like geese. Instead of smiling that fake plastered smile when someone in the faith asks how you are and saying, "I'm blessed beyond stressed" (which is a LIE), let your requests be known. Now, I'm not saying to be like Eeyore; what I'm saying is, we NEED to lift each other up. If you're down this morning, CALL SOMEONE in the faith that you know and ask them to pray for you. It's our jobs as Christians to suffer with our brothers and sisters when they're suffering, and to rejoice with them when they rejoice.

Besides, the prayers of the saints -- all of our prayers -- become sweet-smelling incense in heaven. I know -- I read Revelation recently to the children out of their children's Bible. We need to stop looking at prayer as a chore and look at it as beautiful perfume in the nostrils of our God and Savior. And it makes us a little more loving and caring of our brothers and sisters in the Lord -- and could possibly be the thing that turns the heart of our unbelieving friends, relatives and enemies towards the loving embrace of Jesus.

What's that noise? Just the sweet sound of prayer, that's all. May we lean upon You, today and every day, every hour, my Lord.

Happy New Year? Oh Me of Little Faith!

The ball has dropped, the children packed off to bed; almost three hours have passed since we rang in the new year of 2010. And I've been sitting here, mindlessly watching television, playing computer games -- anything to avoid feeling.

This year has not been the best year in certain ways. I know. I said that last year. At this time frame last year, I was having constant panic attacks following the discovery of that friend who committed suicide. I know -- you must get tired of seeing that in writing. I know I must talk about death alot; when you see it up close -- and you don't want to see it up close -- it does something to a person. You realize that life can change in single heartbeat. Life is as fragile as a butterfly's wings.

It was the year of my high school reunion. I enjoyed that night more than I ever imagined. It made me realize how quickly this life of mine is flying by. What am I doing to improve the world around me? What have I contributed to it? One of my friends teaches special ed. She is changing lives daily in such a positive and powerful way.

I've had problems with my eldest born son that I never dreamed our family would ever face. He is somewhere else at the moment, getting help for his problems, and I miss him so badly, my chest cannot bear the weight of it at times. I see on Facebook where his friends are enjoying youth group, birthday parties, dances, and even though I am joyful for them, my heart mourns my son's choices that took him where he is. I could blame his father's influence for the reason why my son has done the things he's done. Even though what my ex-husband has done in this young teen's life has been wrong, my son made the decisions he did. His biological father was not in the room when my son did what he did; if I would have been in the room, he certainly would not have done what he did which landed him where he is right now. Sometimes it has been all I could do to get out of bed. It was a monstrous feat that got the Christmas tree up this year.

I miss my son. I miss him horribly. I know he's getting help, but I still worry about him. What will stop him from repeating the behavior which got him into trouble? Will people accept him? Can his step-father, the rest of the family, and I truly know that we honestly forgive him and trust him again?

To top all of that off, the day before my son was taken away to one place, my father had an aneurysm burst in his abdominal region. We were told that 97 % of those who have one burst, die before they get to the hospital, and half of those who make it to the hospital die from complications from the surgery. Things were touch and go. He's battled infections, a discovery of colon cancer, all with a very weak heart to still tell me on the phone that he's going to walk again and make it home; my dad is one heck of a fighter! He's still with us; better yet, he's given his heart to Jesus.

It has been a heart-wrenching journey, coming to grips with the possibility that you may have to say "goodbye" to your father, and soon. Growing up, my father possessed a LOT of faults; but I adored my father in spite of -- and maybe because of -- his many foibles. I always knew a call would come, telling me some bad news of my father; I never expected it would hit me this hard. I have talked to my Heavenly Father many a night regarding my earthly Dad.

Then I berate myself. Oh, me of little faith! Why am I worrying about everything so badly? Where is my undying faith in my Lord and Savior? Why do I stay awake so late, crying out to God to hear my prayer, when I should be sleeping safe in the arms of Jesus? My favorite disciple is Peter; he was able to sleep in prison, facing death, itself. No worries, mate. I used to emulate him more. I don't know who I'm like at the moment. I'm angry with myself for letting little grains of fear fester in the crevices of my mind. I did not know what fear was at one time; as long as I knew Christ was before me, who could be against me? Then I get the gentle nudging that I am not alone. Others have walked the path I am walking, and I need to know that my Abba Father loves me in spite of me.

What good has happened this year? Well, I reconnected with old friends and made new ones with the help of Facebook. These friends and family members have bolstered me up in so many ways, through encouragement, cyber hugs, prayers, and their love. My step-sons have become my friends on Facebook. I cried tears of joy -- seriously -- when they became my friends. If you would know what my husband and I have endured for nine years, then you'd understand. We never stopped loving them, not one minute. And God is paving the road. We need to be more patient until God completes every bit of His work in this endeavor.

It's almost like giving birth -- I want the good things to happen now. However, we have to push through the labor pains. Joy may come in the morning, but you have to endure the darkness of night to see the beauty of the sunrise.

So I look at the fractured pieces of this year, and I will ask God to help turn those shards of glass into a stained-glass window to the shine beauty into my soul. Help my life be a thing of beauty for You, O Lord, to show the world how you take the lowliest of the low and transform them into a thing of beauty. Who else but God can take an insect that looks like it's little more than a worm and metamorphose that creature into a glorious, colorful winged delight? May You turn me, the worm that I am, into that iridescent, velvet-winged butterfly. Help me to be more like You, Lord Jesus, and less like me in this year, and the years to come!

I'm just sooo perfect... uh, don't stand close to me or the lightning will strike!

I signed up my children to participate in 4-H. It's a good program, with good people in it. Fortunately, the leaders have been in 4-H since they were children, themselves. I am hoping the children meet new friends and learn new things.

Last month, a demonstration about how to give a demonstration was held. It was alright. Afterwards, the leader asked for volunteers to give a demonstration of their own. My boy said, "I'm not gonna do it." I walked over and signed him up, along with his sister, to do a demonstration for the very next meeting.

Cruel, I know. After the initial screeches of "What'll we talk about?!" were heard by me, I said, "We'll figure it out. It'll be fine, you'll see."

We sat and thought about what they could do, when we decided upon creating Christmas ornaments. That's an easy enough demonstration, as that is a craft we take on almost every year for Christmas. Our tree is nothing but home made ornaments, lovingly crafted by my Gram, my children, and me. We bought the wood, we planned out what they were going to say, and we put together the poster boards. Everything seemed to be perfect.

We went to 4-H, sure that everything would go as planned.

We sat through a very informative and interesting demonstration. Then it was the children's turn. Maybe I had the items set up in the wrong place, maybe I should have had index cards for the children. It all started out wonderfully. I did notice that we should have written larger on the poster board, but that was okay, the children were doing great. Then it happened. Whatever happened, I'm unsure, but it appears as though one of the children went out of turn. Then the other went out of turn. The next thing I knew, one of the children started doing ALL of the talking, and the other got very frustrated and started crying. Not only that, but the crying demonstrator tried to rip ribbon out of the time-hog demonstrator's hands. The time-hog did NOT budge. As an observer, I could only stand there, hoping and praying to God that it would all end soon.

Why is it that parents always feel an obligation to think that the actions of their children in a situation such as this is an excuse to label themselves as "bad parents who had to have done SOMETHING wrong?" Because that's what I did. The children did not have a perfect demonstration, so I decided to blame myself.

As I sat later contemplating all of this in front of a game of Bejeweled -- the game I always seem to gravitate to when I want to do "veg-out", a certain memory or two flooded my tired mind.

Sixth-grade Sunday school class, 1977 or 1978. We were all given Bible verses to memorize for something going on in the church. I was given a very long Bible verse. I think I actually volunteered myself to take on that long verse. I worked hard at memorizing that verse. I wrote it out, said it to myself, as well as my family members. We finally had a practice session right before we were marched into the sanctuary. I said it PERFECTLY. I was so puffed up about it, I could not WAIT to say that verse, and make everyone so proud of me and my abilities!

We all walked single file into the sanctuary. All of my fellow classmates said their verses perfectly. They were great. Then, me having the longest verse, the "piece-de-resistance", I opened my mouth to say my verse. I looked around the sanctuary. There were TONS of PEOPLE! And there, three-quarters of the way up the church, sat my mother. My mother, with a proud smile plastered across her lips. And then, as if in the movies, it seemed as though my mother's face was transported mysteriously into a close-up! Oh, my GOODNESS -- I could NOT let HER down! I HAD to get it right, I just HAD to!

Every single word of that verse FLEW straight out of my brain! I stammered, I stuttered and flustered. I felt like crying and running to the bathroom, all at the same time. Everyone in the class was disappointed. The teacher was very disappointed. My mother was extremely disappointed. But no one was more disappointed in me, than me.

That tended to be my "mode of operandi" when it came for me to do something in front of a large group of people. During practices, I'd SHINE. But to then perform in front of a group of people would cause me to forget lines, to say something out of line that was not in the script, to throw a Frisbee at sixth grade field day in such a way that it would not soar gracefully, but would rather hit the ground and roll.

I've tried so hard all of my life to be PERFECT. And you know, it just doesn't work. I'm NOT perfect. And thank God, neither are my children. I think the Lord allows me to fall flat on my face to keep me honest, so that I don't puff up and say, "Oh, look at ME!" It would be so very easy for me to do that. I need to be pleased with my children and love them -- no matter if they get a blue ribbon in something, or if they fall flat on their faces. It's the times when you fall flat on your face that you truly learn.

The question is, will you let your times when you fall flat on your face to be a time to get up, dust yourself off, look at what happened, and learn from that experience, or will you sit in a corner and be afraid to never try again unless you're perfect coming out of the shoot?

Lord, help teach me to find joy in my imperfection, and help me teach my children find the joy in their imperfection, for You are made perfect in my weakness, and we learn to rely upon You as our source and strength!

Stormy Silence

On this blog, I've been quiet lately... too quiet. Usually, I pour out my thoughts and connect those thoughts to God. But if I would share what has been in my heart, life and mind these past months, it would be the equivalent of one of those bad nightmares where you're standing out in public and you suddenly realize you're standing there in your underwear. What -- you've never had a dream like that? Well, I have... I didn't want to write my hurts and such for an unknown world to realize later that I've let it all out to the detriment of society. Trust me, you do NOT want to experience all of this!

Since the middle of August, though, my world has been in a tumult. I've asked for prayer on Face book without being overly specific. I cannot be all that specific even now, as there are other people involved who could be hurt if I go spouting off about myself and these problems.

I keep trying to find joy in the pain. I keep trying to count the blessings in all that has occurred in the midst of it all, and to be honest, I've found quite a few. It really is true that God is good, all the time/ all the time, God is good.

I find joy in praise songs, or songs that I haven't heard in years. Hymns have spoken to me. Such as "Jesus Calls Us, O'er the Tumult," and "It is Well, With My Soul." Reading those small books with titles such as, "What Does the Bible Say When You're Feeling...." also helps me. Knowing that my loved ones and friends are praying for my family and myself -- even when they don't know the entire situation -- is such a blessing.

I grew up in a world where we had a lot of secrets. Since then, I've tried to be a very open book. I've found that many people can't handle that truth I tell about myself. I keep other people's secrets wrapped up nice and tight -- it's my life that is usually out there for all to see. Why? Well, I've known what it's like to live in a secret-filled environment, where you tell no one about yourself. You keep it all hid, make no real close friends, etc. What a lonely existence. Who gets helped by secrets? No one. If there is SOMETHING from my life that can help just ONE person to see that Jesus can touch ANY ONE'S life and give hope, then it's more than worth it.

I'm not giving up on the One who touches the untouchable, the One who reaches the unreachable, the One who consoles the inconsolable, the One who loves the unlovable. He has not given up on me.

My silence these past months in the blogging sphere has not been silent in my soul. It's pressing into the One who can dry my tears, sings to my spirit, and holds me close in the midst of the storms of life. I've needed to rest in Him. To hear His voice. I'll start writing again. I've just needed to ride out these storms that have hammered and blown at the foundations of my being. I'm so very thankful that my house is built upon the firm foundation -- the rock and the anchor -- of Christ Jesus. Otherwise, I really don't know what I would have done these past months.

All I can say is, "Thank You, Lord, for being my refuge, my strength and a very present help in times of trouble... You lift my head and I love You with ALL of my being!"

Reunion

It's funny, what twenty-five years can do in the life of a person. I'm not talking about physical changes; it's the human condition in its fullness that a person will change in his or her appearance. No, I'm talking about the changes that occur deep in the heart.

You see, this weekend I went to a place I vowed I would never go unless I was rich, famous and looked absolutely fabulous: my high school class reunion. In my immature, teenage mind, I viewed high school as another place of torture in that sad episode entitled, "My life." Let's just say, in my mind, I didn't fit in anywhere. I wasn't an athletic girl, as my knees were not strong. I didn't do drugs or drink, because I knew my mom would kill me if the drugs wouldn't, and I didn't want to end up like Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, or like a dear, sweet, older girl I knew named Peggy. I wasn't in band or chorus, because I goofed off too much in 7th grade chorus and wasn't asked back; my mother said that I made my bed, I had to lay in it. I was not allowed to ask the Chorus director to let me back in. I was smart, but not the smartest kid in class. I was not the prettiest girl in class -- in fact, one kid came up to me and said, "Hey, Becky -- you're pretty...pretty d--- ugly." I already knew that because my mother told me often, "Oh, you poor thing, you look just like your ugly mother." I had greasy hair and wore dark clothes, but it was not because I was a "goth". I actually loved Jesus -- I just didn't think He could love me. And besides, there were issues with the house that I've talked about before; it made it hard to wash one's hair every day like a young girl would have wanted.

I hid behind a goofy mask that made it seem as though nothing or no one bothered me. But certain comments and actions hurt. They hurt badly. There were times I'd tell the teacher I had a headache, and then would rush to the nurse's office to sob. She always let me cry things out. I couldn't tell her about home, I couldn't tell her about school, but she always gave me a safe place to cry and cry until I could "get it together," and face the world again. I found release in dancing (no formal dance lessons -- couldn't afford it), art (even though my sister was the artist of the family), and music (no, no chorus, but I played tons of records and sang along with them); that's where I could be me, and totally express who I felt I was.

As many teenagers do, they don't look at the positive aspects going on in their lives; they brand themselves with the negative, wearing those negative occurrences as badges that say, "Look what I have to suffer. My life is a mess" But the saddest thing is, they don't share that hurt with anyone who can actually help. They've learned not to trust anything or anyone. The enemy is a master at convincing teenagers that they aren't special in God's eyes, and that the junk which is going on in their lives will never end. I hate the devil for that -- because he still uses his same ploys to try to convince those former teenagers when they become adults that they are less than what God has called them to be.

I wore that badge for too many years. I wore other badges, too. I wore other masks; masks that hid my emotions, my sins, my fears. With the suicide of my friend in October, and the PTSD which resulted after that, I've had to really look back. Go to places where I did not want to go. I'm having to rip off some of the badges and toss them in the garbage. I'm tired of holding onto past hurts -- real or imagined. I've been taking a hard look at myself, and starting to embrace all of the parts of me -- the sad and lonely little girl, the quiet and introspective person, the caring, yet funny woman, as well as the super-boisterous, outgoing gal. It's a hard journey, because in all reality, I don't always like the loud, wise-cracking girl. That part of my personality annoys me, many times, to be honest. But I'm slowly learning that God has helped form in me the personality that I have, to be the person that He needs me to be to touch those who like my type of personality -- I just keep asking Him to help me tone it down.

Case in point: at the reunion, I wanted to walk in, a self-assured, even-tempered woman. But, no -- I saw some of my old friends and SQUEALED. How many people were attack-hugged by me? I cannot honestly say. But you know, it was so GOOD to see these people. Even those who had previously made fun of me. To my surprise and honor, I was asked to say the blessing over the meal. I looked at the class and realized that, contrary to what my teenage mind thought, there were some really sweet people who actually had liked me and wanted nice things for me -- even some of the popular kids. Those adults sitting in the seats, awaiting the blessing had been young and grew up, too. They had their own issues, their own insecurities and expressed themselves the only way they knew how a that point of time in their lives when we were all young.

Yes, I was goofy at the reunion and sang the Alma Mater for ten bucks, but I had fun doing it. It was a joyful time for me. No, I was not rich or famous, nor was I the ravishing beauty that I was planning to be if I ever returned; but I am very blessed with a loving husband, awesome children, great friends, and a beautiful Savior who gave me something much more lasting than riches and fame. I know who I am in Christ; a person loved and adored by the King of Kings, in spite of what I ever did in my life -- and I've done a lot, both good and horrible. I was wishing I could have spent some more time with some of my old friends, and talked a little more, but there was so little time to be had at the reunion.

Afterwards, I was suddenly struck with silly, stupid fears -- what if I made a complete fool of myself, squealing with glee, singing the Alma Mater, doing some karaoke, going all over the place, hugging lots of people. But you know, so many old issues were buried for me; I wish I could tell that teenage me that I needed to look more at the positive and less negative. To see some friends I was sure I'd never see again brought tears to my eyes. But as I look back -- and forward -- I can understand how Romans 8:28 fully comes into play through the tragic, comic, and everything in between: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." All things -- good and bad -- have helped shape me into the person that God wants me to be today. Through it all, I'm happy in Him; God still loves me -- all of me --and that's good enough.

Good that comes out of the Bad

August first, 2000 is a day that will be forever etched into my memory. It was the very worst day and the best day of Tim's and my life together.

It was a sunny day, and Tim wanted to play hooky from work to take our children (his, mine and ours) to the beach. However, they needed him, so he quickly kissed me "bye" and away he went.

I told the boys to ride their bikes; the chain eventually fell off of my younger step-son's bike, and I fixed it. There was grease on my hands, so I went upstairs to wash them, hoisting my toddler to take him upstairs to our apartment with me. He started throwing a fit, as toddlers do when they wish to be held, and I had to yell over his shrieks, "I'll hold you as soon as my hands are washed, baby!"

Suddenly, a knock on the door. "I didn't know I was making that much racket," I thought. I opened the door, to see a policeman and another gentleman standing in the hallway. "Holy, moley - I didn't know I was THAT loud --and boy, they come fast!" I remember thinking.

"Ma'am, are you Mrs. Rebecca J..?"

"Yes." ("Oh, no, something's happened to either "M----" - [my ex], or to "P---" [Tim's ex] - how am I ever going to tell them?" flashed in my head)

"We're sorry, but your husband, Timothy has been involved in a vehicular accident...."

Swirling in the head,,, all I could say was, "NoNoNoNoNo...." I didn't know what to think, it had to be a horrendous dream. I had to wake up any minute!

Suddenly the gentleman spoke up; it was Tim's boss' son: "Becky - wait - he's okay! The car can't be driven, but he's only broken a few bones! I'll drive you and the children."

OH, a few broken bones! I had plenty of those! I'd be taking my hubby home, and we'd have a laugh about how he'd gotten his first bike and first broken bones in the same year. I had to gain complete composure and not worry the children. I remembered reading about mothers in World War Two who reacted with fear in front of their children tended to raise children afraid of everything. I was going to be as calm as possible, although my stomach was turning flip-flops -- and not from the new life that was growing inside of me at that time.

I told the children that Daddy was in an accident, but that all would be well, and we'd have him home in no time. When we all arrived at the hospital, however, I heard a different story. I was not sure if he was going to make it through the night, if he had internal injuries, if he was going to walk again... there were so many if's. The only thing I could do was pray.

I tried to call my in-laws and only got my sister-in-law. She showed up at the hospital. I asked for the church to pray. Finally we were told we could go to the ICU waiting room. I don't remember what happened with my sister-in-law; I do know that I relied upon her quite a bit when the accident first occurred. Finally I was able to see my husband briefly. The children were too young to go see their dad, so they sat with a nun at the hospital and watched television.

Before making my way to his room, I could hear him... moans... horrid moans. I put my hand over my mouth, shut my eyes tightly and vowed I would NOT be anything but positive for him in that room. I asked God for inner strength. I bounced into the room and stopped.

He was hooked up to all sorts of stuff. The nurses told him, "Mr. J, your wife's here." He stopped moaning, but instead made a horrid sucking in of the air sound that was akin to what your mouth does when you're freezing cold. He was nothing but shiny blood all over his face. His eye had a sewn up gash over it, his mouth had stitches, there was glass still in his hair. I found the one place on his face that didn't look like it would hurt as much if I kissed that spot, and I kissed him.

"I must look like Frankenstein; how can you ever love me looking like this?" he groaned.

"I didn't marry your face, I married YOU," I replied. "Besides, I think you're still gorgeous!"

"How am I going to take care of all of you - the boys, too?" He was worried about us more than himself.

"Don't worry - God will take care of us -- it'll be fine. Now, get some rest - I'll be right outside. I love you, love you, love you."

No sooner did I walk out of the room, he started moaning in horrendous pain again. I leaned against the wall, somewhere between his room and where the children were awaiting me in the waiting room, slid to the floor, and sobbed. I knew I had to be strong, but was I strong enough?

Someone helped me up and embraced me. I used the pay phone and called the boys' uncle. I knew that I would be going to the hospital to see my husband as often as I could, to make sure he was going to be okay; I knew that at that time, we also needed to look out for all of the children, and so I asked their uncle to call the children's mother and let her know what happened.

What happened was, Tim was travelling along the road, when a car in the other lane unsafely passed a mail truck and hit my husband head-on. Even though Tim was wearing a seat belt, his head still hit the window, bounced back and hit the side window. The force of the collision caused his hip joint to shatter his hip bone, a compound fracture and fractured ankle on the other, and a few other problems to be dealt with. We found out later that he had to be revived three times on his way to the hospital.

Tim spent 28 days in the hospital; I didn't miss a day of visiting him, even though one lady in particular told me I shouldn't visit him every single day. As his wife, I knew my place was beside my husband in his worst days. When he was released to our home, he still couldn't walk. We couldn't afford to have him at a nursing home. It's funny -- I went the assistance office to get emergency service, and didn't get much assistance. So, I took care of him at our home - morning, noon, and night. I remembered thanking God for my CNA experience.

The people who helped us the most were the wonderful folks at our church at the time - the Mission Church in Holmes, NY. First, they took up a collection. Then, they made sure we had food; even non-essentials were included in the mix. They became a family to us as they made sure we had Christmas gifts for the children, and necessary items for the baby when she arrived in January. We were even given a car, and someone paid for our van to be fixed. Their benevolence fund helped us, and when things got better, we paid them back so that they could help someone else. The Mission Church is filled with people who help with loving hands, and to those beautiful people I will always be thankful.

By then, Tim had been walking with the assistance of a walker, then a cane. However, every single day, he experienced extreme pain.

The worst part of it all was that we only saw Tim's sons one time since the accident. Tim couldn't drive, but another church friend took Tim along and picked up the children, as the children were somehow convinced that if I drove the car, I would wreck the car. The last time we saw them, our newborn daughter was only a month old. After that, their mother filed for full custody. We did not have the money to fight. We tried to get a public defender, but since he had previously paid for a lawyer, he could not get a lawyer. We didn't know the legalize necessary to defend ourselves, and after other hoops that were jumped through, we ended up not having any custody of the boys. That was the darkest time for Tim. He lost his ability to use his legs to full capacity, he lost his ability to drive professionally, and then he lost his sons. If anyone knew what Job felt like, I'm sure it was my husband. I felt helpless as I watched him lay in the bed and sob tears of sorrow over his sons.

We eventually moved to a warmer climate (better suited to my husband) that was still close enough to his sons -- if things ever got better -- and to my ex-husband's. It hasn't always been easy. His hip still hurts every day, sometimes his pain causes him to be grouchy here and there, and yet he still keeps pushing on.

But, God has a plan. Even today. Even when things get their darkest in our quest to reach the area with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Tim and I know we have been through the fire -- more than once. And we know that even if the tunnel is long and dark, the light of the Lord awaits at the other end. God has taken care of ALL of our needs. He will do it again and again in our lives. And I believe that the Lord will restore all the years that the locusts have eaten in regard to his sons. One of the sweetest days of recent history was when we heard from his younger son with his ex-wife. I sat at the computer, tears of joy streaming down my face when that beautiful, one-lined correspondence glowed upon the computer screen.

The worst part of the day is that I almost lost my love, my best friend, my husband that day. The best part -- God spared my husband's life that day. God still continues to show His blessings which emerge from the pain of life every day. And I thank God for the strength that only HE gives.

If you're going through a horrendous time, please, take comfort in knowing that ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord. Even those things that hurt us so deeply and that we just don't understand. Put your hand in His -- He'll carry you in His arms and see you through it all. Just trust and obey; I know where you've been and know that God will NOT let you down... not for a minute. Be safe in the Lord, today and everyday.

Who is it?

Lately, I've heard from more than one person that they feel President Obama is the anti-Christ. You know, back when I was a freshman in high school, my old friend Brenda rushed up to me with the news that President Ronald Wilson Regan was the anti-Christ. The key clue to this fact was this: Regan's initials were each six letters long. You've guessed it, "6-6-6".

I'm not completely sure why there's a big group of people who believe Obama is the anti-Christ; it may be that he's the son of a Muslim, or it could be that his policies seem to be in direct violation to God's laws. This is where I'm going to either anger or challenge the "Obama is the anti-Christ" camp: it is time to stop concentrating upon "who" the anti-Christ may be and to start compelling people to fully turn their hearts and souls to Jesus Christ - no compromise - so that they can WITHSTAND the anti-Christ, should they encounter him.

Do I believe that the anti-Christ is in this world right now? Yes, I do. I believe that he will arrive on the scene in such a way that he will even fool those who say they are Christians. I believe that modern science will have a big part in fooling certain Christians and Israelites. I believe that the anti-Christ may be born of a virgin using artificial insemination of a virgin girl. You see, the devil is an imitator of our Creator, and he will try to imitate what he can using whatever means he can. How can you make sure you are not conned into hell? Read the Bible, or listen to the Bible on CD; after all, the Bible is the key to your eternal success.

But in all reality, there are many anti-Christs in the world today. Right now in the world, the single group that is persecuted more than all others are Christians. Now, Americans may scoff at that bit of information. But there are Christians dying right now in China, in India, in the Middle East, in Africa, and persecutions of Christians are on the rise all over the world. The amount of Christians killed for the cause of Christ in the past 100 years has, actually, far exceeded the number of those killed during the initial persecutions (yes, there has been more than one period of Christian persecution) for followers of The Way. There are Christians who are forcibly being made slaves right this minute in Sudan. And in America, bars, schools, government offices, and churches themselves are filled to the brim with anti-christs.

I love America, and am thankful for the opportunities I currently possess here. But, there is a time soon coming, church, where we will NOT be able to speak or worship freely. American Christians are adding to the problem by adding all sorts of forms of gnosticism in their personal lives. They twist and turn the Gospel of Jesus Christ to fit THEIR ideal of what THEY think God should be. We want to enjoy a "religious smoothie" chock-filled to the brim with things that the Bible specifically warns us against. There is a serious problem, here. We Christians in America have been worshipping at the altar of "me" long enough -- we need to stop doing whatever feels "good" to us, and start doing what's RIGHT by GOD'S standards.

I may sound like a religious kook writing this, and I really don't care. What I care about is stirring you another place, a place higher than the heavens above; I want to urge you to place your hand in the One who formed you, the One who loves you beyond measure, and to honestly ask of Jesus, who possesses the Name above ALL names, "Lord, will You shape me into the person that You want me to be? Burn off all of the junk that is not of You, and mold me into the beautiful vessel that you envision me to be."

It's time to stop playing games, people. After all, Jesus wasn't joking around when He was dying on that cross almost 2000 years ago to make an atonement for you and me.

I'm tired of sitting back and hiding in the shadows -- I want to stand up and be bold for Jesus Christ -- no compromise. Whether you come with me or not in this venture is up to you, but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Oh,, C'mon...

Tonight, when the news was about to come on, I said to my husband, "I swear, if they have Michael Jackson as the lead story again tonight, I... will... SCREAM!"

Sure enough, the lead story was about how people "won tickets" to see the body of the man. I screamed as best as I could, considering I've been ill the past couple of days.

You see alot when you have nothing to do but sleep and gaze glass-eyed at the television.

I may receive flak for this, but there's more to genius than the way a person spins or sings. For every Britney Spears who can't sing, yet is famous, you have 100 Susan Boyles who sing and dance beautifully, yet unheard -- unless brought miraculously to the limelight.

For every "Air McNair" out there, there are 100's of young men who have been heroes of their own high school stadiums.

For every politician who strays on their wives (unfortunately, that seems to be a prerequisite to obtain a major political post), there are 100's of honest, hard-working civil servants.

In the this bed-rest period, I was also drawn to the Word. This is the problem; every time I turned around, I was drawn to the book of Ezekiel. I'm not the biggest fan of the book of Ezekiel, simply because some of the visual stuff is so hard to visualize. There are some very hard things to come to terms with in that book, and some very frightening things in that book. But just the same, God has a big tendency to stretch us and push us past our comfort zones.

In Ezekiel, Chapter 3, it spoke to me that not all of us will be sent to a land where people don't know our language. We actually may be called to minister to those in our own country, which could be harder to preach to than a foreign land. The way that God describes Israel, "hardened and obstinate", sounds so much like America. We are a proud people who has drifted so far from God, that we are like the church of Laodicia mentioned in Revelation.

Then, on another reading, I noticed where God tells Ezekiel that He has given Ezekiel the job of a watchman. Now, a watchman stood diligently at the tower at the city walls, and would stand guard. If trouble was brewing, it was the watchman's job to warn those within the city walls; if he saw trouble and said nothing, blame for those killed in the ensuing battle fell on that watchman's shoulders.

So, all of this has got me thinking... what are we doing? Even those who say we are Christians idolize other things and people. We rush to the big-time preachers as though they have some magical word for us that God Himself wishes to share with us in those quiet moments with Him. And, we need to be more responsible for getting the Word out to our brothers and sisters, our friends and neighbors, people that we know personally, and those that we don't know all that well.

You know, one thing that bothered me so greatly over this Michael Jackson business is there are people who never had a single day's interaction with this man who spent over 43-thousand dollars a month on prescription drugs, sobbing real sobs over this person they never knew. Yet, they don't understand the devotion of a person who adores the One who died to save their soul. He didn't do it for money, He didn't do it for His own glory - He did it for the love of YOU.

How do I express to my friends and neighbors that time IS running short, and that there IS a God who cares about them, and get them to actually listen? I know -- God said to Ezekiel that if he did try to warn a person, and that person did not want to hear the truth, then Ezekiel was free of all blame.

Why do I feel a need to write this? Because I need to tell you that there IS a Father in Heaven who loves you with a never ending love. He's waiting for you to turn to Him with your heart. He's been waiting for you to stop searching and he's waiting for you, with the porch lights on. Please, open your heart enough to honestly and humbly ask, "God, if you do exist, could you please lead me to You?" He will meet you, and you won't be disappointed!

The Pains of Childbirth

I love to talk to the Lord, and listen for His leading. Some days it's harder than others, though, because He not only lets me know how much He loves me, He also disciplines me and shows me where I need to improve upon my life for Him. Other times, He gives me an idea of something that He wants me to do for His glory. On those moments, it's as though I've been told, "Congratulations! You're having a baby!"

In the natural world, when I've seen those "blue lines" appear in that window of a pregnancy test, I'll admit -- I've always had a smidgen of fear mixed in with the joy and the excitement. I start thinking of all of the things to worry about with each child: will I love this child as much as my pet (hey, when you've been a mom to a cat for four years, you wonder the strangest things!), will I love this second child as much as my first, will I be able to show an equal amount of love to three children as to two, aren't I a little too old to have a fourth baby? What kind of parent will I make? Will I totally screw up these children? Oh, PLEASE -- don't let me screw up these children! Conversely, you start dreaming big dreams: I want to be the best mother to these children, these children may be major preachers/doctors/great talents someday, my sons and daughter will be better than I ever was, I cannot wait to feel tiny arms wrapped around my neck and to see toothless grins again!

The same can be said when God gives you a seed of a dream... a ministry, a goal to achieve for Him. A mix of fear and wonder hits you at the same time. You ask many questions: God, are You SURE you want ME to do THAT?! Isn't there someone else more qualified to do the job? Did I even hear right -- let me check that out again (I've taken more than one pregnancy test to make sure)! You may wish to put things off, until you're ready. In the same way that a woman's biological clock ticks and eventually the ability to have children ends, this world's biological clock is also ticking, and we must work while it is still day, and give birth to the ministry that the Lord has given us! Besides, as anyone who has children can tell you, you're never ready to have children, so just dive in!

Well, there have been some things that the Lord has really put upon my heart, things that He wants me to do. And to tell you the truth, I've been putting those things off for the longest time. I have all the pat excuses in place: I'm not spiritual enough, I'm not strong enough, I'm not qualified enough, did You forget all of those rotten things I've done... the list goes on. And then, the events started happening.

First, I was asked to lead a presentation at the local library. Now, this falls in conjunction with something that God wants me to do at and for the church, but I just have not done it, as I am "not qualified enough." I've never given a presentation of this sort, but the librarian has faith that I can pull it off. My storytelling mentor also has faith that I can become a "stellar storyteller" -- I just need the confidence. Some other opportunities are coming my way, and God gently told me yesterday that all of this is part of His plan. He wants me to be a storyteller in the church, and on our web-site. I started with the best of intentions in this endeavor, but wanted to take the "pregnancy test" over again, just to check.

Then, our family went to the church of our colleague/friend. He had a former minister of that church there to speak. His words touched me. I went up front, whereupon the minister was speaking Words of the Lord to those there that night. I asked of God, "Lord, you know I've been thinking that I can't keep pushing on in the ministry field -- it's so hard. I just want a word for Tim and me. Are we doing the right thing by You? Are we supposed to hang in there, or get out of the ministry? Are You pleased with us?"

This minister, who didn't know us from Adam, and who had NO idea what I was asking of the Lord in my heart of hearts, answered all of my questions down the line. I started crying. My God, who knows my innermost parts, heard my cries and gave words of encouragement to the likes of me --a simple handmaiden. He is happy with us, and we are not supposed to quit. In fact, He gave my husband and I a title that matches up with one he gave me 15 years ago: back then, He told me I was a "hurdle jumper." He called my husband and I "barrier breakers." Thank You, Lord!

Then, last night, I told my husband I wanted to go to a Camp Meeting held not far from our home. It was the last night, and the speaker, Reverend Jonathan Ziegler, was awesome. He again reiterated in his sermon what we were told by Reverend Dennis. Then, there was music and dancing before the Lord; I danced as I have not danced in what seemed like forever. Black, White, Hispanic, Asian people, all dancing before the Lord was so freeing and awesome, especially in our area, which seems to be the most segregated place on a Sunday morning. That's one of those visions that I've been dreaming of for our church --that it not be a "white church", "black church" or a "Hispanic church", but rather a "LOVING church filled with all types of people who exhibit the fullness of our Lord and Savior."

At any rate, as I was up front, the ministers started anointing people and praying over them. A feeling emerged from my feet, then whooshed up to my head, and I fell to the floor. An inner voice said, "Rest, just rest in the Spirit of the Lord." Then, absolutely no other leading from the Lord occurred, so I decided to take a nice, ole rest.

Suddenly, a woman larger than I hit the floor -- kinda. She actually landed on my face. I quickly sat up. No sooner had I got up, stood and started praying, Reverend Zeigler came up to me yet again, touched my forehead, and again -- that certain feeling which started at my feet, surged up my body, and whooshed up to my head. BAM! Down to the floor yet again! Only this time, I felt this inner word from the Lord: "You have been in child birth for a long time. You are pregnant -- not with a child of flesh and blood, but that of the Spirit. You are pregnant with a ministry that I have for you. You have been pushing and feel that you can push no more, but I say to you to push! Push! PUSH! If you do this, you will see it all come to fruition."

I got back up, sobbing; not tears of sorrow, but those tears which come when you know that you know that you KNOW that the thing which you have been waiting for is on its way. Am I excited? You bet! Am I frightened? Absolutely! Is God going to leave me or forsake me in this endeavor? NO WAY! When it was time to deliver my now-teenager, I remember being in labor for what seemed like forever. I was throwing up, I was miserable, and then it was time to push. OH, how difficult! And I thought the labor pains were bad! I remember feeling so weak, as though I couldn't push. But the doctor and nurses strongly urged me to do so, or the baby would have serious trouble. Then they showed his crowning head to me in a mirror, and I mustered up just the right amount of strength that I needed to help my beautiful boy into the world. My exhaustion gave way to sheer elation, and I had the strength to hold my newborn, to kiss him, to take that child in with utter joy.

This week, when I felt so weak, I was shown the crowning head of the ministry that God has in store for me. It may not happen overnight, but I have been given new strength to keep pushing on -- no matter how hard the task is, because I really want to see this ministry come to full term, and to see the light of day!

With what ministry have you been impregnated? You may have been waiting for YEARS for it to come to fruition, and you may have seen nothing, but I want to encourage you to hold on. I have not yet seen what God has in store for me to be born, yet, but I now see the crowing in the mirror. So I urge you to PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! We can DO it! If God gives it to us, we can do ALL things through Him!