I need help. Right after I discovered the guy who committed suicide, I saw someone from the psychiatric field. I was in the midst of having wave upon wave upon wave of panic attacks the day after everything. He said the only thing that would help is time.
Time hasn't helped much. I have dreams where this person shows up, and I realize that he's not a living person anymore, and last night I told him to go away in my dream. Certain sounds will trigger what I saw, and it'll play -- uninvited -- in my head like a bad movie that won't go away. I can't stand driving down that road to the person's home -- especially at night, because it was night-time when all of this transpired -- it all plays back in my head.
Why am I just saying this out to no one in particular? My husband has the number for someone for me to call on Monday. I've got to call and talk, get help for this. The joy of the Lord used to be my strength. My gosh -- I cry over everything, anymore! Last week, my crock pot cracked, ruining my French onion soup at the church fellowship dinner, and I started sobbing! How embarrassing!
Why is this one incident getting to me like this? I've experience tons -- and I'm not kidding -- TONS of rotten stuff, lots of traumatic stuff throughout my whole life. My life would seem like bad fiction, and yet I've worked through it with the help of God. I need God to help me with this. I know He has been helping me. I just need more of His help in getting me through this.
I've lost a beloved aunt (the only aunts that I've loved like crazy are on my mother's side) to cancer this year, a mother-in-law, people who said they were friends and said they "loved me" only to turn around and stab me squarely in the back the first chance they got; that was only this year alone. I'm praying that the Lord Jesus will smile on my family this year and make this the year that will restore all that the locusts have eaten.
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1 comment:
Rebecca, there are no magic words that will take away the pain you are going through. Like you, I don't understand why some things work on my mind more than others. The fact that you hurt indicates that you are a person of great sympathy and compassion. There are times in life when it seems difficult things pile up on us. Having experienced a lot of what you describe (and still doing so) I can only tell you that the God you serve will help carry you through. Sorry for being so long. Hang in there. People will betray your trust, but there are people who love you and are with you.
Blessings, Pastor Ronnie
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